Oh, this past week has been the most excruciating one since my son Riley’s passing. As the third week in, it seems that the intensity of our grief has only grown stronger. My heart is filled with bitterness, and above all, an overwhelming sadness that refuses to leave me. My younger kids are struggling to cope with life without Riley, and my dear wife Katie has her own moments of despair.
Sleepless nights, broken patterns, and exhaustion have become our constant companions. We have set up a dedicated space on our bookshelf for Riley’s belongings, and although the flowers have wilted away, we still keep his cards close to our hearts and our shelves. There are moments when we are overcome by heavy sadness, and it feels like nothing we have ever experienced before. It’s tough to pray these days. Last week, it came easier to me, asking for God’s guidance through all of this, but now, it feels like a struggle.
We are in the midst of preparing for Riley’s Celebration of Life, and my sister has been our anchor through it all. I can’t thank her enough for taking on this mammoth task that feels like a full-time job. Meetings, phone calls, and text messages have become our way of life, but it all still feels like a nightmare that we can’t wake up from. I’m angry because my son is gone, and we don’t have any answers. And I’m sad because I miss his beautiful hugs, his voice, and our conversations about his adventures in gold panning.
Driving his car, with everything still in place, just as he left it, is a crushing experience. Broken thoughts swirl in my mind, and I feel like I’m teetering near the edge of a broken grief. I’m finding myself needing and wanting help, and I’m willing to seek counseling to get through this. The world continues to turn, and I’m still responsible for my work at a software company and my side work (design and photography), but my focus is lost, and my zest for life has vanished. Watching old home movies and his “exit interview” before he left for college has become our way of holding onto him.
I pray for strength and guidance during this time, as this has been the most difficult week since we found out about his passing. Riley, my boy, you will always be in our hearts. I still can’t believe this is our new reality.
